The Fault In Our Stars: Part One

I'm not gonna lie, I've already seen the movie adaptation for this. But please, Dear Readers, don't pick up your stones just yet. 

Seriously, put them down. 

Thanks to the movie, I know what kind of book I'm in for. I'll be the first to say that, as a guy who doesn't normally enjoy romance movies or novels, The Fault In Our Stars was actually a pretty decent movie. And if, as the saying goes, the book is indeed better than the movie, then I am pretty sure reading through it won't be excruciating.

In the interest of full disclosure, there will be spoilers, for this book and all others I walk through. It is the point of this blog to lay out the story and subject it to my opinion. I like talking about books in full detail, and reviewing just doesn't cut it for me. 

That being said, let's take off, shall we?


Chapter One

The very first paragraph has already troubled me.

The narrator, Hazel, starts this entire story off by talking about how her mother noticed her depression due to her being an intense homebody, barely getting out of bed, reading the same book several times (that's not so bad) and thinking about death. A lot.

Wow.

I hope the movie was closer to the book, because if it's not, I'm in for a very long, depressing read. Hazel has effectively caused me to question my life in the first paragraph. Of course, the fact that she sounds like she's describing the habits of a middle-aged heavy metal fan has nothing to do with this. Next she'll be telling us that she lives in the basement.

Hazel then tells the reader that, despite what the booklet or websites say (look out, WebMD), depression is not a side effect of cancer, but rather a side effect of dying. In fact, cancer and everything else is a side effect of dying. So far, Hazel's outlook on life is making me wonder if she's a nihilist. It's that, or the fact that she's a moody, teenage cancer patient. Don't get me wrong, that's a very regrettable circumstance that the author placed in the book to create the looming possibility of immediate tragedy in order to vigorously ensnare the sympathy and pity of millions of readers. Add a romance to this mix and the inevitable result is tears and numerous rereads (take that Nicholas Sparks).

After consulting with what she calls her "Regular Doctor," Hazel is officially diagnosed with clinical depression (I feel like that's gonna be a reoccurring word in this book, along with others such as the following: death, cancer, love, chemo, and ice cream). The solution for this? Some adjusted meds and a Cancer Support Group. So now we have a sick, depressed teenager who is now being forced to go to sit with a bunch of people she doesn't know and with whom the only thing she has in common is that fact that their bodies hate them. Man, I need some sunshine in this book really, really, soon.

So the next page and a half is devoted to Hazel's description of the Support Group, which is first and foremost described as "depressing as hell." So much for that sunshine. She talks about the the dreary location (Stone church) the horrible snacks, the motley crew of cancer patients (which are constantly rotating due to death) and the ineptitude of the leader of the group, Patrick.

So, this bothers me just a bit. I mean, shouldn't a support group be exactly that? Where's the happy? So far dying sounds better than going to this bleak disappointment called a support group. Let's face it. The Support Group is a form of free psychological help. I can't blame ol' Mom and Dad for trying to cut back on medical expenses, but you don't cure a drug addict by sending him into a crackhouse. It makes no sense to send a depressed teenager cancer patient to a group of more depressed teenage cancer patients (who are regularly dropping off, by the way) led by a washed up adult child who survived a Testicle Tumor. Sorry, I think I'll take my kid to the park.

To add to this, Hazel tells us that there is an air of competitiveness among all of them to not only beat the cancer, but to beat each other by outlasting everyone else. Seriously? How morbid is that? It's like they're all on a really slow, cancer-patient version of The Running Man. And to top it all off, Hazel tells us that so far the best thing about this group is a guy named Isaac, who lost his eye to cancer and had it replaced with a glass one. They sigh at each other whenever one of the other kids talk about irrational treatment methods. I hate to say this, but we have now arrived on the Island of Misfit Toys.

After a binge marathon of America's Next Top Model (geez, cancer really DOES mess with your head) and a debate with her mother, Hazel again finds herself at Support Group. Today, however, is different. Today is the day she encounters Augustus Waters, a boy of seventeen whom Hazel describes as "leanly muscular" and "hot" with a voice that was "low, smoky, and dead sexy." It is at this point that I pine for Depressing Heavy Metal Hazel to return. I guess all intelligence leaves when attractive members of the opposite sex open their mouths and speak. If you need me, I'll be in my room watching Emma Stone in The Amazing Spider-Man 2 because that girl makes me stupid.

Let's not overlook the fact that during everyone else's introductions Augustus continues to stare at Hazel. I guess this is all hot dudes have to do in order to get girls. I think he watched Twilight and decided to Edward the next pretty girl he saw. Dude, that's creepy, let's stop that. You're being too pragmatic.

We learn that Hazel had thyroid cancer but now has it in her lungs too. Augustus had osterosarcoma (bone cancer). Also stated is the fact that Augustus is here for Isaac, whose condition is about to render him totally blind (ouch). When asked what he's afraid of, Augustus states that he fears oblivion (yes, Mr. Waters, that's was indeed a ghastly film that not even Morgan Freeman could redeem). Depressing Heavy Metal Hazel goes on a tirade about how oblivion is inevitable. Instead of ruining his morale, Hazel gets a swear out of Augustus, followed by a smile.

The two strike up a conversation after the group disperses. Augustus tells Hazel that she is beautiful like Natalie Portman a la V for Vendetta and then invites her to his house to watch it. Hazel expresses that he could be an ax murderer (the intelligence has returned) and questions this invitation as they proceed to walk out of the church.

I've got to say, this is the most intelligent conversation I have ever seen two teenagers engage in. Seriously, where did they go to school? The awkwardness of this conversation is virtually nonexistent. A typical conservation goes like this:

Augustus: Hey, nice speech.

Hazel: Whatever.

Augustus: Youre really pretty. Like, Natalie Portman pretty.

Hazel: Thanks, I guess.

Augustus: Want to come to my house and watch V for Vendetta?

Hazel: Why would we watch that movie?

Augustus: Because it has Natalie Portman in it.

Hazel: Get away from me, you freak.

Sorry, John Green, but teenagers don't use words like "ascertain" or "hamartia" in normal conversation. Typical teenage vernacular includes the use of the words "like," "cool," "shut up," and maybe some cuss words. Ya know, for flavor.

Speaking of flavor, the two get outside and notice that Isaac and his girl are aggressively making out against the wall of the church. Well, we found Edward and Bella in this book. Can't blame the guy for taking advantage of things before being plunged into the dark for the rest of his life.

At this point, Augustus pulls out a pack of cigarettes and puts one in his mouth. After DHM Hazel blows up and tells Augustus how all the flirting and insightful conversation they just had has been ruined by the cigarettes, Augustus explains that the cigarette is a metaphor. He doesn't light it, showing that he's putting the killing thing between his teeth while not giving it the power to kill him. Hazel's mom appears and is informed by her daughter that she's going home with Augustus Waters.

Wow. This dude is either brilliant or ungodly lucky. None of this stuff he's using would ever work for me or any guy I know. But now, if I want attention from a female, I'll just stick a .38 revolver to my head and yell out, "DON'T WORRY, IT'S A METAPHOR!!!"

If the Chapter Had A Title

Possible titles for Chapter One include "Heavy Metal and Cigarettes," "I'm A Survivor," "Homebody," and "Why I Didn't Go To The Park."

See you guys on Friday!!!