The Fault In Our Stars: Part Two

Chapter Two

At last we saw Hazel, she had told her mother that she was going over to the house of the freshly introduced Augustus Waters. This was after Hazel had asked if he was an axe murderer then was won to his opinion by some cleverly placed bull about metaphors. Remember kids, if you increase your vocabulary and use it in an impossibly slick manner, you too can seduce cancer-ridden females into watching action flicks in your home.

According to Hazel, Augustus Waters is an absolutely horrific driver, so much so that she couldn't even think of her own life for thinking of his ghastly driving skills. It is then that Mr. Waters informed her that he failed the driving test three times. It is because of his prosthetic leg that he can't drive well, due to his inability to feel pressure in right leg and his failure to learn to drive with his left foot. We then learn that on his fourth attempt, he was passed because although his driving was "unpleasant,"  it was not technically unsafe. Hazel calls it out as a Cancer Perk.

We are then informed that Cancer Perks are little things cancer kids get that regular kids don't. I suspect this is because they are, I don't know, deathly ill? Well, isn't this just an injustice. People tell me being a ginger is a disease, but you don't see people giving me video games, free food, and extra hugs just because the color of my hair is more awesome than any other hair color out there. This may actually be the cause of the ridicule I receive. People are so mean when they're jealous of those who have been blessed with the finer things in life.

From there Hazel and Augustus discuss Hazel's condition, rough surgeries and treatment, near death moments, and the experimental drug, Phalanxifor, that practically works on nobody else but her. Way to go, Hazel. You are now part of the group of numerous literary characters who were lucky enough to be in a book because of something impossible that made their life better. I think we can log this under the category of Cancer Perk.  Also, why do these drugs always have really long, weird, and hard to pronounce names? Every time I see one, I think I'm in some kind of Fantasy world where elves are immortal, magic is an every day occurrence, and dragon riders can summon their scary, fire-breathing steeds by yelling a simple yet robust, "To me, Phalanxifor!!!"

Hazel tells Augustus that she's no longer in high school because she got her GED and is now taking classes at the local community college. After he makes a smart, flirtatious remark, Augustus is shoved by Hazel, who then tell us how she's swooning on the inside over feeling the tense and amazing muscles in his arm. When Hazel acts like this, I like to call her Sparky Hazel. This is for the simple fact that whenever Hazel has a moment of attraction that causes stupidity, that effectively puts herself in the same position of every female lead from every Nicholas Sparks novel/movie ever made. I guess we can never completely escape the hokey, gushy, infectious parts of human romance. Sigh.

They arrive at the Waters Residence, where upon entering Hazel notices all kinds of sappy sayings placed in various locations all around the house. These, we learn, are called "encouragements." With wise sayings such as "Home Is Where The Heart Is," "Love Is Born From Hard Times," and "Without Pain, How Could We Know Joy?," one can clearly see that someone in the Waters family is a fan of the Hallmark Channel. I suspect this is Augustus' mother, who we meet in their kitchen along with Mr. Waters, both of whom take to calling their son "Gus."

There is where I rant about the names in this book.

Augustus is a cool name. A strong name. Especially if you live in the Roman Empire. When I first learned that this character even had this name, my first thought was "Hail, Caesar!!!" But even then, his full name is no longer the issue when I learned that his parents call him Gus. Seriously? That's one of the top five worst names for a child in the history of mankind, next to Ebenezer, Methuselah, Elvis, and Chad. I can't help but think not of the lean, tall, muscular young man who is our subject, but instead of poor, downtrodden, overlooked and nearsighted Gus Griswold from the 90s cartoon Recess. Or, I think of the fat mouse Gus Gus from Disney's Cinderella. There you go, ladies. Next time you hear our guy called Gus, you will be sure to think of the obese rodent who eats everything in sight and has a knack for getting in the way on top of not easily transforming into a horse like he should.

The four of them discuss Support Group, hospital stays, the Encouragements, and Hazel's lack of love for meat before Augustus announces that they will be watching V for Vendetta. His dad happily offers them the living room TV, yet Augustus insists that Hazel Grace Lancaster needs to see his basement room. Mr. Waters agrees to let her see the room, but asks that they come back upstairs for the movie, much to his son's dismay. And THAT, people, is how you parent a child. Don't let them do what they want. There are such things as boundaries. You, Mr. Waters, are a good father.

Our duo heads downstairs to view all of Augustus' sports memorabilia set on a shelf that goes around the entire room. Apparently, before his leg was removed, Augustus was quite the basketball player. This explains his attractiveness outright. I mean, they only took his right leg. Why shouldn't the guy still be hot? The two talk of sports, his amputation, and useless existential ramblings about sports. Again, Hazel swoons at Gus's use of metaphor and vocabulary. They briefly discuss Augustus's family before the conversation is turned to Hazel.

They discuss her reading interests, and Hazel reluctantly tells Augustus that her favorite book is An Imperial Affliction. Gus asks if there are zombies or stormtroopers in it. When told that there aren't, Gus states that he will read this "terrible book with the boring title that does not contain stormtroopers." So much for the super sensitive and suave Augustus Waters, right? Guess what, ladies? Augustus Waters is only slightly better than the average American male. Sorry to disappoint, but I'm gonna give Mr. Green some more points for realism. Augustus makes Hazel take his favorite book The Price of Dawn, which is based on a video game (more realism), but scribbles something on the title page before handing it to Hazel.

They go upstairs to the living room and begin watching the movie. They sit awkwardly apart during the movie and Hazel even tries the Middle School technique of suggestion by placing her hand in the space between them to alert Gus that it's ok to hold her hand (real smooth, Hazel).When the film ends, Augustus asks if she thought it was great, to which Hazel agrees. She confesses to the reader that this is a lie, and she never understands why boys expect girls to like boy movies because girls never expect boys to like girl movies. Well, Ms. Lancaster, I am prepared to answer that question at this very moment.

First of all, this premise is faulty. Many times I have watched a chick flick, and when I express to the chick that I did not enjoy the flick, I am met with anything from sadness to outright hostility. Furthermore, if a girl I know doesn't like The Avengers or any kind of action movie, I kind of understand. But let's look at this: when we were all growing up as kids, girls could always play with G.I. Joes and Hot Wheels, but boys were kept from playing with Barbies and Easy Bake Ovens. The same goes for many things. A girl can wear a guy shirt and no one really cares. If a guys wears a girl shirt, well, that's just awkward. This is why guys think girls should like guy movies. You like everything else we have, so why not this too? Because of this double standard, I will be visiting the mall tonight in a dress and heels. Take that, gender stereotypes.

They head back to Hazel's house (with Hazel driving). When they arrive, Hazel thinks of how she wants him to kiss her and about how beautiful he is. At this point, we are kind of overdue for Depressing Heavy Metal Hazel. Sparky Hazel is crushing my appitite here. They exchange parting pleasantries, and Gus asks if he can see Hazel again tomorrow, because waiting until then will be more than long enough. Hazel whips this into shape by telling him that she will call him after she finishes his book. Gus asks how this is possible, as he has not given her his number. She tells him that she suspects he wrote it in the book he lent her, to which Gus says, "And you say we don't know each other."

Well played, Gus Gus. Well played.

If The Chapter Had a Title: For this one we're looking for something along the lines of Shutdowns and Stormtroopers, Encouragements, Driving with Prosty, and Sparky and Gus Gus.

Star Wars #1: Skywalker Strikes

Something most of you need to go ahead and accept about me: I'm a HUGE nerd.

So when I found out that Marvel had re-acquired the right to Star Wars and was going to start publishing the comics again, well, I was like a kid at Christmas. Seriously, I jumped up and down, screamed, and made birthday party noises. Everyone at Walmart thought I was nuts.

I have now resolved to blog through this new comic series, as well as two others debuting soon which will be following Darth Vader and Princess Leia. As with my other posts, there will be spoilers. So if you don't want to know everything right now, go away and don't come back until you've done your homework.

Jumping right in then, let me first say that all I know going into this new series is that it takes place during the original trilogy (supposedly right after A New Hope) and that this series is the first in a long line of new material designed to be canonical with Episode VII coming out next December.

The beginning of this issue was very refreshing to me, with the first page simply being a black background with the infamous blue writing stating "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away..."

I freaked when I saw that, no lie.

This is followed by a two-page spread of the standard yellow Star Wars logo against a backdrop of very small, white stars in a pitch black inkwell of space. The we get the opening summary, drawn and styled to look like the words are doing their level best to scroll vertically across the page, just like in the movies.

This is where we see the title of the issue: Skywalker Strikes. The summary tells us that in the wake of the Death Star's demise, the Rebels seek to press their advantage by using some serious offensive strategies. And by offensive, I mean quite a few Stormtroopers were greatly offended by the Rebels as they made fun of their "marksmanship."

The story begins and we see a ship descending into the atmosphere of what we are told is a moon in the Corellian Industrial Cluster, Cymoon 1. Apparently there's weapons factory on this rock, as that's what the heroes in Star Wars like to hit: outposts, factories, and anything with a shield generator. I always wondered why EVERYTHING the Rebels ever had to hit was either heavily guarded or shielded. Was Rebel Command sitting around a table reviewing the spies' information with the sole intention of hitting ONLY those places that were super hard or nearly impossible to hit? "Oh that has a shield generator, four AT-ATs, and about a thousand Stormroopers guarding it. Since those guys can't hit a womp rat with a T-16, let's attack with about fifty men. Cool? Cool."

An Imperial Officer is waiting  on the shuttle to land, making remarks to the Stormtroopers to kill them immediately if there is anything suspicious perceived. This is because all Imperial officers in Star Wars are complete and total wimps. They bark out orders, but half the time they are the ones getting killed, either by Rebels, Jedi, or an angry Vader distributing throat hugs. This pretty much clues me in on what happens next.

Han Solo steps out of the ship, along with two "bodyguards," dressed in the armor known from Jabba's Palace guards, and R2-D2. He announces himself as an emissary from Jabba the Hutt, wanting to make a deal with the Imperials. While Han is told that they must leave all weapons behind, we see Chewbacca perched up high and far off, watching everything transpire from the scope of his rifle. It's then we see that the guards with Han are Rebels. Upon further reading you can tell it's Luke and Leia, with Leia talking to C3PO back on the Millennium Falcon.

They continue into the fully-automated weapons factory as Han begins to talk to Overseer Aggadeen about their pending negotiations. Aggadeen tells Han that these aren't "negotiations," that they will meet with the Negotiator when he arrives and they will accept the terms he delivers. The Overseer then tries to get Han and Co. to wait inside an enclosed, shielded room. Dude, NOBODY puts Han in an enclosed room (that sounded like a geeky version of that line from Dirty Dancing).

As Han refuses to go in, R2-D2 dumps a chemical on the floor. He sticks out his little taser arm we all love so much and hits the chemical, electrocuting three Stormtroopers. Temporary pandemonium breaks out as Luke and Leia reveal themselves and take out the remaining Troopers.  One threat from R2's taser arm convinces the Overseer to divulge the location of the central power core (told you officers were wimps).

It's then we see that C3PO is back on the Falcon, which is hidden in a trash dump. I seriously wonder what it is with these guys and trash. They fall in it, practically drown in it, hide with it, and even BECOME it. I know you guys are Rebels, but you don't have to be trashy in order to kill some Troopers. Let's get some class here, people.

Our heroes make their way to the power core, where Luke has a Jedi moment and decides to keep moving. He finds a room full of slaves and as he is about to free them, their guard shows up with what looks like some kind of energy whip. Luke pulls a Kenobi and chops the guard's right hand off with his freshly drawn lightsaber. He opens the lock and says, "Anyone who hates the Empire, follow me." I feel like all the Jedi after Episode III have to have awesome lines like that, because apparently the ability to cut flips and spins and stuff like that died with Anakin Skywalker (which explains why the writing for the Prequels was so horrendous).

Han and Leia set the power core to overload, and as they begin to leave, Leia asked Han why he would put his face in front of the Empire like that. Han, being the tough guy he is, says he only did it because it was the only way the plan could work. Leia presses again, this time asking what it is that Han really wants. Han says that it wasn't the time to talk about that. My guess, we are seeing the first hints of a romance here. I'm glad Han is a very rough around the edges guy. If he wasn't, this awesome get away scene would have been ruined. Han knows how to get things done.

Luke shows up with all the slaves, and they all prepare to make their escape. Just then, Chewie tells Han that there is a ship coming in. Next we see a Trooper announcing that the Negotiator has arrived. We see this figure on the next page.

It's freaking Darth Vader.

Things take off from here. Han begin to tell Chewie to stand down, but suddenly Leia takes the communicator and orders him to take a shot at Vader if he has one. Needless to say, Chewie takes the shot. What happens next is nothing short of awesome.

Vader senses the incoming shot and blocks it with his lightsaber. More shots are fired and Vader grabs two Troopers with the Force and uses them to shield himself from the blasts, resulting in the Troopers  being hit by ALL of Chewie's blasts. Vader drops their blast-covered bodies to the ground (poor Troopers).

 Why couldn't we see Vader do this kind of thing in the movies? Seriously, why can't we see this great power the former Chosen One wields? All he does in the movies is swing his saber around like a stinking baseball bat and choke a few people with the Force (mostly wimpy officers). On top of this move I like to call Trooper Shielding, Vader then uses the Force to bring down the tower that Chewie was perched on. We don't see Chewie anymore this issue. Vader commands a Trooper to trigger an alarm, alerting everyone of the ongoing Rebel attack.

In the resulting confusion, we see Han calling in to C3PO, telling him to throw the auto-pilot on so they can get out of there. 3PO says he did this five minutes ago, but nothing happened because these ugly, tentacled, scavenger things are taking the ship apart at that very moment. Han tells 3PO to go outside and shoot them. I don't think 3PO will do this. If he does, his entire character will have to be rewritten, resulting in Marvel publishing a five issue limited series called "Bounty Hunter Gold," where our beloved protocol droid becomes a cold-blooded killer and teams up with the Boba Fett and some renegade Jawas.

Back in the factory, Han and Leia are surrounded by Troopers. A scheme is hatched as Han tells Leia that they are going to drive an AT-AT right out of the factory. Honestly, I really wanna see this. I would love to see Han step on some Troopers and bust out of the factory while yelling, "HULK SMASH!!!' Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?

Lastly in this issue, Luke is shown walking down an empty corridor, away from all the commotion. He hears Ben Kenobi talking to him through the Force and Luke proceeds to tell Ben that he wants to face Vader and "end this." Ben says, "Luke, listen to me carefully..." We go to the last page where we see Luke squared up against a fast approaching Vader. Ben finishes his statement.

"Run."

Ben tells Luke to run, which is the wisest thing he could have told him. We all know that if Luke were to face Vader now, well, this would be a very short lived comic book. I personally would like to see him try, but I know that seeing those two fight now would be like watching a trout fighting a Great White Shark. There's just no contest. So sorry, Little Fish Luke. You'll have to face Shark Vader another day.

Forecast: Luke tries to fight, but gets his butt saved by Han smashing through the corridor with the AT-AT while yelling "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!" at Shark Vader. C3PO gets saved by Chewbacca and Leia continues to look for something cool to do in this comic.

It's was hard for me to poke fun at this because, to be honest, I was so stinking pleased with it. This series is off to a great start. Stay tuned for more!!!

The Fault In Our Stars: Part One

I'm not gonna lie, I've already seen the movie adaptation for this. But please, Dear Readers, don't pick up your stones just yet. 

Seriously, put them down. 

Thanks to the movie, I know what kind of book I'm in for. I'll be the first to say that, as a guy who doesn't normally enjoy romance movies or novels, The Fault In Our Stars was actually a pretty decent movie. And if, as the saying goes, the book is indeed better than the movie, then I am pretty sure reading through it won't be excruciating.

In the interest of full disclosure, there will be spoilers, for this book and all others I walk through. It is the point of this blog to lay out the story and subject it to my opinion. I like talking about books in full detail, and reviewing just doesn't cut it for me. 

That being said, let's take off, shall we?


Chapter One

The very first paragraph has already troubled me.

The narrator, Hazel, starts this entire story off by talking about how her mother noticed her depression due to her being an intense homebody, barely getting out of bed, reading the same book several times (that's not so bad) and thinking about death. A lot.

Wow.

I hope the movie was closer to the book, because if it's not, I'm in for a very long, depressing read. Hazel has effectively caused me to question my life in the first paragraph. Of course, the fact that she sounds like she's describing the habits of a middle-aged heavy metal fan has nothing to do with this. Next she'll be telling us that she lives in the basement.

Hazel then tells the reader that, despite what the booklet or websites say (look out, WebMD), depression is not a side effect of cancer, but rather a side effect of dying. In fact, cancer and everything else is a side effect of dying. So far, Hazel's outlook on life is making me wonder if she's a nihilist. It's that, or the fact that she's a moody, teenage cancer patient. Don't get me wrong, that's a very regrettable circumstance that the author placed in the book to create the looming possibility of immediate tragedy in order to vigorously ensnare the sympathy and pity of millions of readers. Add a romance to this mix and the inevitable result is tears and numerous rereads (take that Nicholas Sparks).

After consulting with what she calls her "Regular Doctor," Hazel is officially diagnosed with clinical depression (I feel like that's gonna be a reoccurring word in this book, along with others such as the following: death, cancer, love, chemo, and ice cream). The solution for this? Some adjusted meds and a Cancer Support Group. So now we have a sick, depressed teenager who is now being forced to go to sit with a bunch of people she doesn't know and with whom the only thing she has in common is that fact that their bodies hate them. Man, I need some sunshine in this book really, really, soon.

So the next page and a half is devoted to Hazel's description of the Support Group, which is first and foremost described as "depressing as hell." So much for that sunshine. She talks about the the dreary location (Stone church) the horrible snacks, the motley crew of cancer patients (which are constantly rotating due to death) and the ineptitude of the leader of the group, Patrick.

So, this bothers me just a bit. I mean, shouldn't a support group be exactly that? Where's the happy? So far dying sounds better than going to this bleak disappointment called a support group. Let's face it. The Support Group is a form of free psychological help. I can't blame ol' Mom and Dad for trying to cut back on medical expenses, but you don't cure a drug addict by sending him into a crackhouse. It makes no sense to send a depressed teenager cancer patient to a group of more depressed teenage cancer patients (who are regularly dropping off, by the way) led by a washed up adult child who survived a Testicle Tumor. Sorry, I think I'll take my kid to the park.

To add to this, Hazel tells us that there is an air of competitiveness among all of them to not only beat the cancer, but to beat each other by outlasting everyone else. Seriously? How morbid is that? It's like they're all on a really slow, cancer-patient version of The Running Man. And to top it all off, Hazel tells us that so far the best thing about this group is a guy named Isaac, who lost his eye to cancer and had it replaced with a glass one. They sigh at each other whenever one of the other kids talk about irrational treatment methods. I hate to say this, but we have now arrived on the Island of Misfit Toys.

After a binge marathon of America's Next Top Model (geez, cancer really DOES mess with your head) and a debate with her mother, Hazel again finds herself at Support Group. Today, however, is different. Today is the day she encounters Augustus Waters, a boy of seventeen whom Hazel describes as "leanly muscular" and "hot" with a voice that was "low, smoky, and dead sexy." It is at this point that I pine for Depressing Heavy Metal Hazel to return. I guess all intelligence leaves when attractive members of the opposite sex open their mouths and speak. If you need me, I'll be in my room watching Emma Stone in The Amazing Spider-Man 2 because that girl makes me stupid.

Let's not overlook the fact that during everyone else's introductions Augustus continues to stare at Hazel. I guess this is all hot dudes have to do in order to get girls. I think he watched Twilight and decided to Edward the next pretty girl he saw. Dude, that's creepy, let's stop that. You're being too pragmatic.

We learn that Hazel had thyroid cancer but now has it in her lungs too. Augustus had osterosarcoma (bone cancer). Also stated is the fact that Augustus is here for Isaac, whose condition is about to render him totally blind (ouch). When asked what he's afraid of, Augustus states that he fears oblivion (yes, Mr. Waters, that's was indeed a ghastly film that not even Morgan Freeman could redeem). Depressing Heavy Metal Hazel goes on a tirade about how oblivion is inevitable. Instead of ruining his morale, Hazel gets a swear out of Augustus, followed by a smile.

The two strike up a conversation after the group disperses. Augustus tells Hazel that she is beautiful like Natalie Portman a la V for Vendetta and then invites her to his house to watch it. Hazel expresses that he could be an ax murderer (the intelligence has returned) and questions this invitation as they proceed to walk out of the church.

I've got to say, this is the most intelligent conversation I have ever seen two teenagers engage in. Seriously, where did they go to school? The awkwardness of this conversation is virtually nonexistent. A typical conservation goes like this:

Augustus: Hey, nice speech.

Hazel: Whatever.

Augustus: Youre really pretty. Like, Natalie Portman pretty.

Hazel: Thanks, I guess.

Augustus: Want to come to my house and watch V for Vendetta?

Hazel: Why would we watch that movie?

Augustus: Because it has Natalie Portman in it.

Hazel: Get away from me, you freak.

Sorry, John Green, but teenagers don't use words like "ascertain" or "hamartia" in normal conversation. Typical teenage vernacular includes the use of the words "like," "cool," "shut up," and maybe some cuss words. Ya know, for flavor.

Speaking of flavor, the two get outside and notice that Isaac and his girl are aggressively making out against the wall of the church. Well, we found Edward and Bella in this book. Can't blame the guy for taking advantage of things before being plunged into the dark for the rest of his life.

At this point, Augustus pulls out a pack of cigarettes and puts one in his mouth. After DHM Hazel blows up and tells Augustus how all the flirting and insightful conversation they just had has been ruined by the cigarettes, Augustus explains that the cigarette is a metaphor. He doesn't light it, showing that he's putting the killing thing between his teeth while not giving it the power to kill him. Hazel's mom appears and is informed by her daughter that she's going home with Augustus Waters.

Wow. This dude is either brilliant or ungodly lucky. None of this stuff he's using would ever work for me or any guy I know. But now, if I want attention from a female, I'll just stick a .38 revolver to my head and yell out, "DON'T WORRY, IT'S A METAPHOR!!!"

If the Chapter Had A Title

Possible titles for Chapter One include "Heavy Metal and Cigarettes," "I'm A Survivor," "Homebody," and "Why I Didn't Go To The Park."

See you guys on Friday!!!